Monday, April 30, 2012

Personal Record

I love running. I love the egalitarian nature of the sport. I love that most races are held at breakfast time so I can feel that I've accomplished a full day's worth of activity before noon. I love that when I'm in a race, my main competition is me in the last race. There may be people that seem to be right next to me the entire course and I want to pass them, but they're more of a rabbit, not competition. That last part is my favorite. I ran a 5K yesterday and finished in the top third of my 35-39 age bracket. That's better than my normal middle of the pack finish. I finished in the top third of all women; that's also better than my normal placement. That's all nice, and does show me that I am improving. Better than all of that is the fact that I ran :39 faster than my prior best time in a 5K. That is a victory.
I love other sports, but the objective nature of running really appeals to my analytical nature. Hours can be devoted to whether the Green Bay Packer team of 1996 was better than the team in 2010, but there is no way to know the answer. I can tell you, with proof, that I ran more quickly yesterday than I did in 2010. I can argue that I ran farther yesterday than I ran in 2010, but that is impossible to prove, since I didn't use GPS either time. This is one of the main reasons I love running, but it's also the hardest to really believe. We are taught from an early age that if you're not first, you're last. I don't think it's expressed directly that way very often, but that's the message given from most competitions. People can name the World Series or Super Bowl winners, but not the teams they beat. We can name presidents, but not the other candidate. Unless you're an elite runner, it's different. You can name your time, but not the winner's name or time.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Your Body

The millions of things that your body does every day to get you through the day is amazing. Take care of your body and you can make those activities easier for your body and make your life easier.

Not Mutually Exclusive

I was involved in a conversation yesterday about the marketing of diet plans to the African American community. Currently, Jennifer Hudson, Charles Barkley, Mariah Carey, and Janet Jackson are all celebrity spokespeople for Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem. The idea was stated that because AA women tend to have "less body hatred" than white women, this marketing was offensive. It was simply corporate America trying to ruin the self-esteem of an entire group just so they could make more money off of them.

I do agree that corporate America is trying to expand into a previously untapped market. I guess that these companies did some market research and found that people viewed their product as expensive, un-hip, old, suburban and soccer-mom-ish. They thought they could alter that perception by hiring younger, cooler people to promote their product. Janet Jackson probably has more appeal with a younger market than Marie Osmond, Nutrisystem's other current spokesperson. Mariah Carey cooler than Carrie Fisher and Valerie Bertinelli. It's possible that many people under 30 may not be familiar with Osmond, Fisher or Bertinelli at all. I disagree that these companies all trying to make the amount of "body hatred" increase.

I don't think that the desire to improve our body is mutually exclusive from loving our bodies. I don't believe that if you want to lose weight, you must therefore hate your body. The conversation's initiator/leader kept trying to force people to chose between body hatred and self improvement. I think that if you HATE your body, you can't care for it. Making an effort to improve your health via weight loss is caring for your body.

I love my body. I love that I can run long distances on my legs. I love my hour-glass figure. That being said, I still would like to lose some fat. I love my mind and it's ability to do spatial reasoning tasks. I love that I can do math in my head. That being true, I would like to learn more things. I think these are perfectly synonymous situations. It's like loving your house, but wanting to paint the hallway. This is the message I always try to convey on this blog: Love the skin you are in....always strive to be better.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Claire Squires

She was just a woman who was running a marathon for charity. At the start of the race, she had raised about $800, which is great. Unfortunately, she collapsed near the end of the marathon and died. That is the horrible part of her story. Here is the heartwarming part.
Since her story went viral, people have donated almost $1million in her memory. This was not her first charity event. She had climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, held a car wash and run another marathon previously.

The fundraising company has also agreed to donate all fees to the non-profit Samaritans. That's the group she was raising money for.

I can't put into words why this story has touched so many people, but it clearly resonates as over 60,000 people have donated in her name.

Running Dreams

I saw this shortly after I sent out my last post. I think this is an adorable way of showing what I was trying to say.


I read an article today that says appearance keeps women from exercising in public. It says that 90% of women have to battle self-image issues before going outside to exercise. That makes me sad. I think that clothing makers could help with this by making attractive work-out clothing in ALL sizes. I also think that we could help by encouraging others to be active and join us when we're out in the world being active.
Individually, we need to say "Fuck It." I know that when I run, I look like an angry badger, but I feel like a gazelle. I will continue to run regardless of how I look to others, because feeling like a gazelle is great. I can look at the picture of me running below and find many, many things to criticize, but I will focus on the fact that I was out running and not just sitting on the couch.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Hollywood and Fitness

Joan Crawford and Dorothy Sebastian, exercising to records at the beach 1928

Healthful Foods

I found a great list of 44 foods that are both healthful and inexpensive. I know that many people say that it's too expensive to eat well, but that isn't true. Yes, organic vegetables are more pricey than the rest of the produce section, but that's not the only healthful food out there.

In addition to the list of whole grains, I would add bulgur. It cooks quickly, like white rice, but contains more nutrients.

I would also add cabbage, rutabaga, cauliflower and brussel sprouts to the vegetable section.

I'm sure there are other healthful, low cost foods. This is a pretty good list to start with. With some of the items you can make countless different meals for lunch and breakfast.

**I want to explain why I use the word healthful and not healthy as the article does. Healthful means beneficial to health. Healthy means displaying health. So an apple can be healthful, but bruised and not healthy. Just like people can be healthy, but we're not healthful.**

Heart Attack--Take II

I wrote about the Heart Attack Grill back in February and how they lived up to their name. Unfortunately, they did it again this week. I don't blame the restaurant for this. They aren't forcing people to eat there. They're not forcing the people who do eat there to already be unhealthy and to eat the entire burger that is about 10,000 calories.

Although I don't blame the owner, I don't like his PR spin on this event at all. "We attract an avant-garde clientele -- thrill seekers, risk takers," he told the Los Angeles Times, adding that his restaurant is a "bad for you but fun" restaurant that "attracts people who don't really take good care of their health." When he went on, he even seemed to counter his initial statements. "She was eating, drinking, smoking, laughing, dancing, having fun," he said of the most recent heart attack victim. "But when you treat your body like that day in and day out, eventually your body is going to give out." He then goes back and forth a bit. "So what is it about someone who sees that sign and sees that this burger has 9,993 calories in it, and that person says 'I want one of those.'" "I tell you, we attract that very bleeding edge, that avant-garde of risk takers."

I guess you can look at mistreating your body for years as 'thrill seeking' and 'risk-taking,' but to me it seems like self-abuse. Unlike with other activities that risk-takers enjoy, mistreating your body WILL eventually harm your health. You can skydive your entire life without any adverse effects. There are people who have raced cars and done other adrenaline inducing behaviors only to die of old age. Risk is the possibility of loss or injury. Since ignoring your health and abusing your body will shorten your life, that's not really risk, that's inevitability.

I know many people who abuse their bodies. They smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much, sit too much or do other unhealthy things to their body too much. I've been one of them; smoking a pack a day, eating bad food and not getting any exercise. Many of these people claim that they're just living life to its fullest and enjoying themselves. I don't believe them. Can that really be considered a full life and enjoyable when their lifestyle makes simple daily activities difficult because of a lack of health? I think the truth behind their life of excess is much sadder and more complex. Everyone has their own issues for slowly but surely shortening their lives, but I don't think it's to enjoy the remainder more.

I am not suggesting that everyone abstain from all vices for the rest of their lives. That, too, would make life less than enjoyable. We should all do some unhealthy things on occasion. Everyone should eat cheese covered food, or whatever empty calorie snack they prefer. These should be treats, though, not the core of our diet. Making them rare and special will only increase the enjoyment they provide. We should all spend some time being lazy and doing nothing on occasion, but not as the majority of our non-work time. As I mentioned yesterday: moderation is key.

Monday, April 23, 2012

2 years--347 pounds

A couple sets small goals, hits them and keeps setting more goals. Eventually they've lost 347 pounds between the two of them. They started at 692 pounds combined, so they're now down to 345 combined. I love how the picture of them starts out wider than it is tall and eventually it is taller than it is wide.

Workout Song 4-23-12

"Let's Go to the Mall" I know it's not a "real" song, or a real artist, but I love this song. It's by Robin Sparkles as portrayed by Cobie Smulders. It is upbeat enough to encourage you to run more quickly or work a bit harder. If you really want to laugh, check out the "Beaver Song" that Robin Sparkles sang with Alan Thicke. (Sadly, I can't embed the original.)

Hollywood and Fitness

I found a biography of a woman who was teaching health and fitness on TV before others really considered it an option. In the first photo, she's helping Jack E. Leonard do a sit up near the front of the stage while Pearl Bailey assists host Mike Douglas. The man watching this all from the stage is Jordan Christopher, the first to record "Wild Thing" Paige Palmer is the woman leading the sit-up session on the set. She has a health and fitness biography that is astounding, especially considering that is all occurred when women weren't supposed to be active and didn't talk about it. Her health and fashion show debuted in 1948. She encouraged her viewers to get pap smears, when that was something no one mentioned. She also encouraged pregnant women to continue exercise, another thing that was ahead of the curve.


If you want to "feel full" you need to eat a decent volume of food. To do that without gaining weight, you need to choose foods that are low in calories. Vegetables are the best foods for volume to calorie ratio and fats are the worst. Part of this is simple math: fat is 9 calories per gram and carbohydrates are 4 calories per gram. The other part of it is water. Many vegetables have a very high water content, which fills space in your stomach, but doesn't add to your caloric intake. The next time you're deciding what to eat, try to keep your volume to calorie ratio to the side that won't derail all of your efforts at staying healthy and fit.

Death by Soda

There has been a story floating around the last week about a woman who died because of drinking Coca-Cola.  Most of the headlines oversimplify the story. In reality, the woman died from a heart attack. The contributing factors were low potassium and caffeine toxicity. Yes, Coca-Cola was involved in her death. No, Coca-Cola is not at fault. This woman was drinking more than TWO gallons of soda every day. She also did not eat very much and smoked over a pack of cigarettes every day. She was depriving her body of almost all the needed nutrients and taxing her heart with the excessive amounts of caffeine and nicotine.

The woman's partner noted that she was experiencing problems with energy and blood pressure. I can't find whether she sought treatment for those symptoms or if anyone ever told her to cut back on the Coke. I have pointed out that soda is bad for you, but anything consumed at this extreme level will harm your health. Maybe not as directly as soda, but at least indirectly by supplanting other items from your diet. When it comes to what you consume, moderation is key.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Workout Song 4-20-12

"Epic" by Faith No More

Sitting Kills

I have
written about how sitting is horrible for you before. Basically, the more hours of the day you spend sitting, the shorter your life expectancy. This means that most of us are shortening our lives, just by doing our jobs. The alternative is to stand while you work at a computer. this is something that be easily done. Just elevate the computer high enough to make it at a level that is comfortable to use while standing. You don't want to be looking down at it; that will strain your neck. You want the screen to be directly in front of your eye-line and your keyboard at a level that is comfortable.

The hard part is going to be doing this at work. I'm sure that you can come up with a way to get all of the elements to a comfortable level. Using copy paper boxes and other items, that can be done. What will be hard is explaining to your co-workers and boss why you're doing it. I sat on an exercise ball for years, and had to constantly defend that choice to the same co-workers repeatedly.

I think that showing them the latest study on the harmful effects of sitting may help. However, I can't find any OSHA rules about desk set-up. They show how a desk should be set up for the best ergonomics, but I don't think they require that businesses to actually follow those recommendations. It may be difficult, but seems to be worth the struggle.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Do we see ourselves as we really are? I would think that many people would see themselves as heavier than they really are. It turns out that the opposite may be true. A few studies have found that most people underestimate their weight. The number of people making that mistake increases when they're surrounded by overweight people. This is where BMI, although not perfect, may be a good tool to use. It can give a concrete measurement as to whether we are overweight, underweight or at a healthy weigh. It also sounds like changing your habits and outlook on weight can best be served by getting your friends and family to change their habits, too.

Hollywood and Fitness

Robert Conrad when he was in his 20s.

Physical Therapy

I am currently seeing a physical therapist to eliminate some muscle weakness and imbalance before the running season gets into full swing. I was given a list of five exercises to do twice a day every day. I had missed one night and felt badly, but was reassured that I far exceeded expectations.

I do not understand that. It's like getting a prescription filled, but not taking the medicine. Why would you pay the therapist $25-$35 per visit, only to ignore everything they say? If you're going to ignore them, save your money and time and don't go to your appointments. That frees up their schedule for the rest of us who are willing to do the needed work.

I don't like the exercises that I am doing for physical therapy. They are working my weakest muscles and they're hard. I have been close to tears of frustration when doing them, but I know that they'll help me in the long run. That is why I do them every day as scheduled.

I ignored the signals my body was sending me last year and ended up with a stress fracture in my femur and six weeks of crutches. I am being careful to listen better this year and tackle any issues early. I hope that this month of physical therapy will help keep me injury free until the marathon, but know that is only possible if I put forth some effort.

Workout Song 4-19-12

I hadn't heard this song in ages, but they played it on WBEZ this morning. It's by The KLF with Tammy Wynette.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hollywood and Fitness

This is Joan Crawford circa 1933.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Staying the Course

I love used book stores. Actually, I love all book stores, but the used ones fit my budget better. I was lucky enough to find an autographed copy of Dick Beardsley's memoir recently. I was familiar with his name because of the "Duel in the Sun" which is one of the most exciting marathon finishes I have ever seen. It's like "Hoosiers" Even though I know who wins, I'm still anxious for the outcome. Here's the last two miles for you.

I loved that the book wasn't just about his running. In fact about half the book was about how his life was anything but idyllic after his retirement from racing. It's a good story of overcoming adversity and how running can be a source of strength.

Daphne Selfe

She is an 83-year-old model who is still working. She credits good genes for much of her longevity, but it's all natural. More powerful to me than her beauty is her confidence. She is still proud of her body, even though it's not "perfect." This first photo is in support of The Big Bra Hunt. Unfortunately, this looks to be a UK only charity.

More on Stupid Diets

I thought I was rough on the K-E Diet yesterday. Then I read this article in Forbes.

"It has nothing at all to do with health, and basically endorses the notion that weight loss by any means is acceptable. If that is so, I recommend a 10-day cocaine binge. It will work as well, and probably be more fun, than a nasogastric tube.”

That is just one of the quotes in the article that are witty and unrelentingly critical of this diet.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Today in Stupid Diets

K-E Diets. For about $1,500 a doctor will fit you with a feeding tube and provide you 10 days of nutrients. It's a fast, but without feeling hungry. The constant stream of liquid through the tube is said to suppress the appetite. The plan claims you can lose 20 pounds over 10 days, but you have to visit the doctor's office three times a week during that time. If you can spend that much time going to a doctor's office, you can spend that time lifting weights or running and getting fit that way. You would save also enough money for a trip and avoid the risks of a feeding tube, which include constipation, nausea, hyponatremia, internal bleeding, infection and allergic reaction to the tube.

I found out about this trend via an ABC News story. I have since found their facebook page and am happy to report that most of the comments are negative. I do not understand the desire to undergo a medical procedure for weight loss, especially when it's not weight that needs to be lost for improved health.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Eddie Izzard, part II

Eddie Izzard was my inspiring person a year ago. I'm still inspired by him and love that he's still out there running. He's currently running barefoot and w to Ethiopia to train with the most accomplished barefoot runner ever: Haile Gebrselassie

I highly recommend you read Izzard's article on the meeting. It's funny but also informative. Turns out that Haile may have started running barefoot as a child, but doesn't advocate for it now.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Hollywood and Fitness

Posting that pic of Charles Bronson looking really buff reminded me of a "Family Guy" bit that makes me laugh every time. Enjoy

Hollywood and Fitness

I thought Steve McQueen was impressive. Here's Charles Bronson when he was about 30. Wow.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Workout Song 4-12-12

"Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves

Hollywood Lifting Weights

Steve McQueen doing straight arm flies. Ouch. I never realized he was so muscular.


My Body Gallery is a collection of photos of women. It's searchable by height and weight. The goal is to provide "a place for women to post their true and accurate pictures. And for other women to see that the world is not a place of cookie cutters. We are all different in our body shape and size as well as our place in our journey to loving our bodies exactly as they are, not as we (or others) think they should be. It is a place for us to be kind to others and ourselves.)"

I stumbled on this amazing site today and hope I can help expand the gallery. Right now, the number of photos flow with the bell curve that makes up the height and weight of most women. There are few, if any, heavier or shorter women. Many photos at 5'4" 140 pounds, though.

They are in my brain; their Facebook posts mirror much of what I've posted on this blog. Yes, I want women to be stronger and healthier, both physically and mentally. I want us all to realize that healthy bodies comes in many shapes. I think this will help us all feel better about ourselves and stop denigrating one another for not fitting some nebulous, unrealistic ideal.

I will be submitting some photos today and hope you consider doing the same. It's one thing for us to proclaim love for our bodies and admiration for celebrities who claim they love their plus-size bodies. It's another level to let others look at our bodies and see the reality.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Workout Song 4-11-12

"Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

It's a great song to get you up and moving. Also, Marky Mark is good inspiration for working harder. He doesn't look like that without some serious effort.

Peanut Butter

I lived for years without having peanut butter in the house, except for the dogs. That has changed in the last few years. Peanut butter is a great source of protein and healthy fats. It has vitamins, anti-oxidants and
resveratrol. It's also fairly inexpensive, has a long shelf life and is easy to prepare. I even stir some into my oatmeal when I add the hot water. The peanut butter dissolves, but adds protein and flavor to my breakfast.

Not all peanut butters are equal, though. As part of my Lenten goal to avoid processed foods, I read labels on foods that I normally just buy. Peanut butter was one item that surprised me. Regular peanut butter has added sugar and hydrogenated vegetable oils. I thought it would just be peanuts and salt. Unsurprisingly, reduced fat peanut butter is a laundry list of additives. Corn syrup, soy and oils are just some of the items added to preserve flavor, but reduce the fat. Worst of all, those changes only save 10 calories per 2 tablespoon serving.

I thought the ingredients of Skippy Natural would be peanuts and salt. Nope. Peanuts, sugar, salt and palm oil. I understand those are all natural, but I still think the name and the marketing is misleading. Jif Natural has sugar and molasses. Simply Jif is sold as a lower sugar variety, but still has added sugar and molasses, and palm oil. Reese's peanut butter doesn't even share their ingredients online, which scares me.

After much label reading, I found that even some organic and high end brands were more than just peanuts and salt. I thought I was going to have to resort to going to Whole Foods and spending a ton of money for some peanut butter. I just found out that Smucker's Natural is just peanuts and salt, but I didn't see that at my grocery stores.

Luckily, I finally found Archer Farms peanut butter with flax seeds. The ingredients are peanuts, salt and flax seeds. Although Archer Farms is the Target private label, Target doesn't have it listed on their site, so I can't find a picture. Yes, the flax seeds are an additive, but not one that's added to cut costs or change the nature of the product. The flax seeds add fiber and protein to the product. Plus, they add some crunch without it being crunchy peanut butter.

Getting fit

If you want your efforts to be long-lasting, you have to be doing it for yourself. If you're doing it for others, it will be harder to stay motivated. Focusing on your health will also yield more success than if you were to focus on how you look in a bikini. If you get strong and healthy, you will look good in a bikini. And you'll have the confidence to wear one.

Serenity Prayer

Source: via Mary on Pinterest

I really like this take on the traditional serenity prayer. Normally, it's: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

This should be the mantra for women and their bodies. You can't change your height. You can't change how busty or hippy you are without drastic measures. You can change your weight and how much of that is fat or muscle. You can change what your body is capable of.

For me, this means that I am working on how quickly I run. I have to accept that I have flat feet and that I'm only 5'3", but that doesn't mean I can't become faster. I am also trying to add more muscle and lose some more fat from my body.

What do you need to accept about yourself? What do you not accept that you will change?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Workout Song 4-10-12

"Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes. This song has an iconic guitar riff that has been used in several commercials, much to my amusement.

Weight Loss Surgery

Weight loss surgery scares me. It's surgery, so it involves all the normal risks of surgery, like infection and adverse reactions to anesthesia. On top of the normal risks, it's surgery on someone who is overweight and presumably not in great health. (If they were in great health, they wouldn't be having the surgery.) It's also altering a portion of the body that is not damaged or causing harm. Those alterations cause problems with vitamin deficiency.

Beyond the physical issues I have with the surgery is that it ignores the underlying causes of the problem. The weight didn't arrive magically and that should be addressed. With a non-surgical weight loss plan, there is time to address the emotional and habitual reasons for the weight gain. Because those issues are ignored, they manifest in other ways, or come back later with the weight coming back.

Before doctors will perform the surgery, they will often require their patients to shed some weight. This means they use a non-surgical method to lose weight before the surgery. I don't understand why someone having success with non-invasive, non-surgical, low-risk methods would stop using them for surgery. I've heard reasons like inability to follow a diet, or self-control, but their pre-surgery success counters those excuses.

Over the long-term, people who have weight loss surgery put the weight back on, plus now they've had surgery and are dealing with the side-effects of that. I know that people who choose traditional weight loss plans are likely to regain, but without the huge risk or expense. I wish that weight loss surgery was viewed more drastically than it is. I would love for some therapy to be required before it was undertaken. I feel the same way about any elective surgery, actually. Surgery is a major event and shouldn't be entered into lightly.


This is a great ad idea for Asics shoes. I don't know if it was an official ad, or just someone online making it. Either way, I think it's pretty brilliant and touches on something I've been thinking about for a while. All ads for drugs discuss the side effects of taking the drug. They even discuss rare and unlikely side effects. What they don't talk about is avoiding the drug.

I don't mean things like allergy or birth control, which are treating issues that are out of control of patients. I'm referring to drugs that are treating real diseases, but the diseases are a symptom of a larger issue. Treating diabetes doesn't solve the issue of excess weight, poor diet and lack of exercise. Treating erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the underlying heart issues that are most likely the cause.

I wish that the FDA would require a disclaimer about how lifestyle changes might eliminate the need for some drugs. It could be included before all the side effects. This wouldn't affect all medications, just ones where it's possible that actions by the patient could eliminate the need for taking a pill. Instead of saying, "Make sure you're healthy enough for sexual activity," the commercial could say, "Talk to your doctor to see what changes you can make to solve your ED."

I know that the pharmaceutical companies would hate this, but I'm sure they hate having to list all their side-effects, too. To me, it's just honest marketing. Yes, people should already know that they might be able to solve their problem instead of just treating it with pills, but it's possible they don't and that should be disclosed to them before asking for their money.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Workout Song 4-9-12

"I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by Scissor Sisters

I reminds me of Elton John during the disco era, which makes me smile.

Women in Boston

F2--Nina Kuscsik 3:20:26--Winner
F6--Kathrine Switzer 3:29:51--3rd place
F3--Elaine Pederson 3:20:35--2nd place
F5--Ginny Collins
F4--Pat Barrett Shore 3:40:29
F10--Frances Morrison
F1--Sara Mae Berman 3:48:30

The Boston Marathon is one week away and I found this amazing photo of the women who ran Boston in 1972. That was the first year women could run officially. I can't find times beyond the top 5. It's possible the other women didn't finish.


We spend very little on food in the US. Prices have risen over the last decade, but are still much lower than they were in the 1900s. "The West Wing" touched on the fact that food used to be a much larger portion of a family's budget than it is now. The didn't get the facts of Mollie Orshansky's life right, though. Food costs have dropped with the advent of more efficient farming. Factory farming has lowered the cost even further.

At the same time that food was getting cheaper, we were spending more and more money on health care. It may not be a direct cause and effect, but it's more than just a correlated relationship. People are eating foods that are not good for us, and are able to eat them in larger quantities than we did in the past. Items that used to be rare treats because of the cost are now regular items because they can be.

Everything that we consume affects our body and our health, even if we don't see that effect immediately. No one is expecting anyone to eat perfectly 100% of the time. If you can eat healthful, whole foods 90-95% of the time, you'll be fine. Your body can deal with 5% ice cream, Cheetos and frozen burritos. Don't deny yourself treats completely, but try to have a diet that you wouldn't be embarrassed to admit in public.